I'll be the branch, You be the vine

Let me start out by saying that this weekend is definitely in the running for the title of "Most Influential Weekend of Miranda's Life". It only furthers my belief that everything happens for a reason and that there are no coincidences.

This is another one of those things that I was pulled into at the last minute because help was needed. Looking back, though, I feel like I was close to useless on this weekend as far as "helping out" goes. I was in the skits, and that's pretty much it...unless you count the dorm watches at night (right now I'm running on low sleep). I thought I was going to have a small group, but the guy who put those together (Luke) didn't give me one. Me=confused by this. I'll be talking about Luke a little later.

I cried a lot this weekend. It all started when the lead singer of the Pete Cornelius band said something during the song "Blessed Be Your Name". He said that when he sings the lines "You give and take away", he always thinks of his and his wife's seventh child that was lost during the 4th month of pregnancy, and how he's sad about it now, but how joyful he is that the baby is in heaven with the Father, and how he understands the true meaning of how he gives and takes away.

Of course, Joseph came to my mind. Here I do not speak of my friend from Ireland, but my older brother. Mom had a miscarriage before me. There's a long detailed story about this that I can't really tell here, but the basic gist is that I've always felt a strong connection between him and me (ever since I was very little), and I know that he's been praying for me my entire life from heaven. I firmly believe that I would not be the person I am today without my brother's prayers. So, when Chris of the Pete Cornelius band spoke of his wife's miscarriage, I instantly broke down. That was the first thing that would get my attention this weekend.

The second thing was in one of the talks given by the Bible Geek, Mark Hart (spelling??). I can't remember exactly what he said, but it made me think about the relationships I have with the guys around me. It made me think of what I previously deemed "The Man Situation (parts I and II)", and what could be wrong in my life that could have helped to contribute to the frustrations I was feeling immediately following both halves of said Man Situation.

Then it hit me...I think it was when Mr. Hart (spelling??) told us to think of the Ten Commandments as breaking God's heart rather than breaking a set of rules. I look at too many of my guy friends as potential boyfriends. I didn't understand why this was, and I kind of still don't. Why would I want to treat my buddies like this? Why would I want to make them objects?...more of me in hysterics.

I think the third time I found myself in tears was when Luke came into the situation. It was during another praise and worship session with PCB, and I needed time by myself away from the group. I just function better if I'm outside under a tree where I can hear the birds sing and feel the softness of the wind drying my tears. Well...I didn't get to be alone outside for very long. See, here's the thing. I know Luke meant well. I know all he wanted to do was help. The way he approached the situation at hand made me feel very uncomfortable and a little freaked out. I was bitter that I couldn't have my outside time, but the bitterness melted away after Eucharistic Adoration.

Adoration was the big part of the weekend. The PCB was playing during the Holy Hour, and Chris then encouraged us to make a decision then and there before the Lord our God. Any sort of decision that was weighing on our hearts, he encouraged us to just jump right in and make it. He also said that he hoped the decision was to choose God over our worldly desires and our sin.

This is it, Miranda, thought I. If you don't make your decision to stop looking at your brothers as potential boyfriends, you'll never make it.

Suddenly my hand touched the triple novena medal around my neck. My fingers ran over the crucifix, the miraculous medal, and the St. Joseph's medal.

And then it hit me.

St. Joseph, the most chaste spouse of Mary, the Mother of God, is the patron saint and protector of virgins.

So I went forward and knelt before Jesus Christ to make my decision, once and for all. I've written about this before, but even then as I typed out the words, I didn't feel their power in my heart, and I honestly didn't believe that I would be able to keep my commitment. But there, bowing so low that my forehead hit the marble of the floor before the altar, I knew what God wanted. I had finally heard God's voice. I am completely unavailable to single guys, because I need to work out some issues in my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

As I'm sure I've said before (I can't really remember if I have or not), I need to be comfortable with me as ME AND ME ALONE before I can be comfortable with me as someone's girlfriend.

I talked to Claire about all of this, and she said that a good way to know when this time of unavailability may be coming to an end is when you know that if you have a boyfriend, you won't be dependent on him to be happy. You won't need to see him all the time, and you won't be different around him than you are around the rest of your friends.

I know that this period of waiting will be hard for me, but it's for the best. I want to be the best I can possibly be before I try this dating crap again.

I'll be the branch, you be the vine
I've been withering away for some time
I can feel your healing coming to my mind
I'll be the branch if you'll be the vine.